There is less of me today because she has taken a little bit more of my soul

I woke up this morning to a knock at my door. Groggy and walking unsteady as I had just awoken and had a late night writing, I looked and saw no one. Tempted to just leave a package or whatever at the door I almost went back to bed. But, I didn't. I opened the door to find a single sterling silver rose laid carefully at my door. I ran outside and saw no one. Someone or something was like a ghost in the wind.

Now, no one, except one person on this EARTH knows (well, now maybe more people know) that those are my favorite roses. A TRUE sterling silver rose, not lavender, is rare, expensive and hard to find. Hey, I never said I was a cheap or easy girlfriend. How long did she have to search for it? And, did she drive or have someone else leave it? I hope she had someone else leave it because if she had been outside my door, I would have taken her inside and held her so close she would never have thought of leaving.

Today, would have been our anniversary. A very long anniversary. A day I screwed up for the rest of our lives because of fear. Why I fucked things up, I will never understand. She was the best thing to happen to me.

Oh, my god, it was a long courtship on my part. I saw her, and I knew my life would never be the same. I have never been shy around women I wanted. But her, it was just different. It took me three months, many casual conversations, a bowling game, and a four day weekend to get her to realize #1 I was gay, because no one ever thinks I'm gay, and #2 to realize I was really interested in her.

As I picked up the rose and stroked it across my face because trust me I know what every day leading up to 9/8 is, it started to rain. Now, it hasn't rained here in weeks, no months. I mean it RAINED. And I cried. And I remembered a Hebrew proverb that I was once told, " Let men beware of causing women to weep; God counts their tears." Of course, it wasn't a man but you get the idea.

I miss her everyday. It is so stupid. Everytime I read an article or see a movie, there is some reference to where we lived or where she lives now or what she does or things we liked to do. And, I always catch my breath for a moment. And I try, everyday to forgive and forget what we both did to each other. And usually, I think about it for a few minutes and then move on.

But, today. I can't. Aristole said, ""Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." I guess our great tragedy is that we can't live with each other and we can't live without each other.

I will always miss and love you, my dear clover. Thank you for the beautiful gift. It had no thorns.

Just don't fuck things up. Think about what you are doing before you do it and be right with the choices you make. I have no regrets except one, and you just read about her.

namaste ~ hb