Why?

I've been doing research for a few months on gay rates of depression and suicide. My very good friend Janice's *names have been changed on request of the family* sister, Tessa was a lesbian and committed suicide. We went to school together. I knew her. I knew she was gay. I never approached her about it. I should have. She killed herself with a shotgun. I should have talked to her. I feel like I could have prevented EVERYTHING that happened to this family.

Her sister, a very good friend of mine, at my request sent me her final suicide note. I couldn't even get through half of it. Why do so many gays/lesbians feel their lives are hopeless and worthless? She felt she couldn't have a family, a house...a LIFE. That is ridiculous. We love who we love. No one, not even anyone's God will judge us for that. I used to get kicked out of Catholic studies because I just suggested that God made us all different to see if we had the hutzpaa (sp?) to get along. My parents were exasperated but even as as child I knew I had a different path. Not a bad one, just different.

You are who you are. What do they say, "God doesn't make mistakes." I'm not a religious person per se, but I am spiritual. I belive the energy, the Universe made us who we are. Yeats said, " and it seemed that our two natures blent into a sphere from youthful sympathy". I belive we are split in two, and we search our whole lives searching for our second half. We think we have found it, then found out we haven't. And we keep searching. Even when we have found it, we might have changed and it doesn't fit, even when we so desperately want it to. What to do?

Adapt. Isn't that what life is about. Life, death, birth, change jobs.... isn't that what happens. Maybe it's all about how we adapt to change. We laugh, cry, get angry, get happy. We all adapt, despite if we think we are rebels, we all adapt.

I'm tired. I'm tired of having to go visit and put flowers on gravesites for people who either I loved or people I loved, loved. I will fight the good fight to keep them out of the ground, even if it means I will be in the ground at the end. That's how much it means to me. How much does your gay relative mean to you?

Foucault said "We are all accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves." Don't be disguised to yourself in anyway. It just ruins you in the end. Be who you are, love who you love and never be ashamed.

Peace. ~hb