Oh, Brother....

Do you have brothers? I have two. Both older. They think they know EVERYTHING. HA. One is a bonafide freak and the other is a know-it-all freak. Nothing doing. No offense, but their knowledge about life doesn't suspercede mine in ANY way, and they know it, just that simple. I've had more life experiences than they can count. Matter of fact.... not me being obnoxious.

As long as I can remember, Me, myself, and I have been the person to go to in the family. Even when things got tough with my mom and dad during cancer (rest his soul) me taking him to treatments, watching the drugs drop and inch through a tube into his vein, which I knew wouldn't work, but I kept a smile on my face and feed him ice chips. Even while I watched from the back of church as my family said mass on his behalf while his hospice nurse watched him like an infant, which horrified me. Even holding his head while he puked and he commented that he never thought he would see his kids hold his head while he puked, both my older brothers called me. "Blahh, blahh, mom did this, dad said this..." I inherited my mom's diplomatic soul to a certain degree, but with a little bit of sass, o.k a lot of sass (from my dad, but with temperment) to go along with it. I listen, agree or disagree, offered and still do my opinion when appropriate. I soooooo wonder why, as the baby of the family, why I have to be the hook?

Both brothers have problems that I have been dealing with ALL my life. From the time I was in kinder, I remember being told my brothers were special and needed help. I was freaking 4/5?.... What the hell/fuck else am I suppose to do but help? I had problems too. Hey, can anyone say, growing up in a small town, knowing I was a lesbian but didn't know how to handle it?????......Ugggg. I'm not angry, just frustrated. BTW, anger and frustration are two different things.

My mom drove down to my brother's ranch today to visit and take him some stuff. Called me and asked if I wanted to go. No thank you. Just worn out. I just told her I was too tired.

I'm too tired. I'm tired of being the one they all come too. I'm tired of being the hook for the family. Is that bad????? I have a double kindney infection and have practically lost my voice from trying to take care of everyone else. I love my family and trust me, they are family poor, meaning it's me or nobody (everyone else has died from either breast or colon cancer or just died). I quit corporate America for many reasons the most of which is really my family. I love them. I have some savings. I can live poor. I don't care. It isn't about money. My family means more to me than most could ever realize. I write, take care of my nephews, brother, his wife and especially my mom. It is hard. But, daily, laugh or cry, I'm with family, my best friends, nephews...everyone that I can burn in my memory for the rest of my life. I will have those memories until the day I die.

But, it is hard. As tough as I am (and realize, I'm as fucking tough as they come, soul and body) I read some poetry, write, exericise, cook, punch some bags as hard as I can and sometimes just cry. I HATE to cry. Then, I just get over it.

I wish I had something more prolific to say but that's it. I have two older brothers that I cherish who think they are know- it- alls because they are older.

I guess my rant is that just because someone is older doesn't mean they know more. It just means they have been alive longer so they can be more annoying. :) Not to say that anyone alive longer is automatically more annoying....just that sometimes, the older, take the younger for granted and young people take the older for granted.

Young people, patiently listen to your elders. They have experience too. Listen to what they have to say and absorb it. Let it wash over you in glorious revelation. Take it for what it is worth. Store it for later when you are willing to accept it. Don't dimsiss it, ever. Elders, listen to what someone younger has to say. Maybe you will learn something. It won't hurt to listen.

Just an observation. We were all put on this earth to learn from each other. I know this in my heart. Learn from one another. :_

Nameste ~ hb