I've discovered over the course of my life that there are 3 or maybe 4 degrees of the term Mother.
I'll just get this out of the way. I love the cuss word Motherfucker. I don't know why. Maybe because it really expresses a serious exasperation with a situation. But, then again, so does Horseshit, which has many merits unto itself.
Anyway, there is MOM! Used when you are irritated with her interference and you yell either MOM! or but MOM!
There is also the Motheeeerrrrrrr! This requires that you roll your eyes, turn around and generally ignore her while she desperately tries to reason with you while you make a very, very bad decision, but you're old enough, right?
Next, is Mommy! This is when you've been away too long from her and just want her smell, and hugs and kisses of course. You'll do anything she asks. Laundry? Yes! Mow the lawn? Of, course! Cook dinner? Whatever you want! Grocery shopping, money....please just don't leave me again, syndrome. Only occurs on vacations or extended stay at a relative's without you.
Finally, for me is Mum. I started in the 7th grade when I discovered British sub-culture....Sid&Nancy, Beatles, Duran Duran, most things British anyway. This is how I usually ref ere to my mom....Mum. She hates, I love it. We accept and move on.
Whatever you call your mother, please call her pleasantly. She is your Mum after all.
~namaste HB
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
To be or not be neekid, that is the question?
Lady Sovereign (before Lady Gaga) said "Love me or hate me, that is the question". I ask, to be naked in one's own house, that is the question.
When I'm alone, I walk around naked. I picked up this habit from a couple of ex's. My most recent one was a fanatical neekid girl and insisted I be one too. I finally got used to it. Of course, I spent most of my time drunk and in bed so naked seemed to be the logical choice. Why bother.
Now that I don't drink and wear clothes when appropriate, I still relish in walking around naked when no one is around. I clean, dance, do laundry, dishes, even cook without clothes. Saves on laundry, water, except when I shower which is daily ( I cannot tell you how glorious it feels to get out of the shower and just put on a big fluffy robe instead of drying off with a fuggly towel)!
My dilemma came today when my mom walked in with me wearing my nano on my arm with a band, naked, just walking around taking care of business. Too much togetherness...yeah. I thought so too. I need to take away her key.
She was horrified I was naked at 12pm. I was horrified she was horrfied and came in without calling! What if I was having sex! That would just kill her. Trust me, she would have died right on the spot watch two lesbians go at it.
LMAO. She got a blanket off the chair and threw it over me and told me to put some clothes on and be decent. WTF? Can't I be neekid when I want to be?
I threw off the blanket and told her to just chill. Of course, I put on a robe and then got ready to go shopping with her, with is another blog. I got dressed, but I really started to think about it. What's wrong with being naked when you aren't around children and just by yourself or your partner?
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! BE NEEKID! Enjoy it! I do. It's fun and it helps you appreciate your sexuality and your body.
~ namaste hb
When I'm alone, I walk around naked. I picked up this habit from a couple of ex's. My most recent one was a fanatical neekid girl and insisted I be one too. I finally got used to it. Of course, I spent most of my time drunk and in bed so naked seemed to be the logical choice. Why bother.
Now that I don't drink and wear clothes when appropriate, I still relish in walking around naked when no one is around. I clean, dance, do laundry, dishes, even cook without clothes. Saves on laundry, water, except when I shower which is daily ( I cannot tell you how glorious it feels to get out of the shower and just put on a big fluffy robe instead of drying off with a fuggly towel)!
My dilemma came today when my mom walked in with me wearing my nano on my arm with a band, naked, just walking around taking care of business. Too much togetherness...yeah. I thought so too. I need to take away her key.
She was horrified I was naked at 12pm. I was horrified she was horrfied and came in without calling! What if I was having sex! That would just kill her. Trust me, she would have died right on the spot watch two lesbians go at it.
LMAO. She got a blanket off the chair and threw it over me and told me to put some clothes on and be decent. WTF? Can't I be neekid when I want to be?
I threw off the blanket and told her to just chill. Of course, I put on a robe and then got ready to go shopping with her, with is another blog. I got dressed, but I really started to think about it. What's wrong with being naked when you aren't around children and just by yourself or your partner?
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH IT! BE NEEKID! Enjoy it! I do. It's fun and it helps you appreciate your sexuality and your body.
~ namaste hb
Sunday, September 20, 2009
No remote control
I may be a lesbian but like I've said before we are no different than any couple. My ex controlled the remote. My aunt called it her phallic symbol. LOL. Whatever.
There is always someone who controls the remote.
Shugging my shoulders. That's just the way it is. And like so many other things, I don't understand it. Now, I have my own remote. HA! ; - )
~namaste hb
There is always someone who controls the remote.
Shugging my shoulders. That's just the way it is. And like so many other things, I don't understand it. Now, I have my own remote. HA! ; - )
~namaste hb
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Zen
And the child asked the Angel, "Why do I have to die?"
And the Angel responded,
"Because without tragedy, we would not know joy."
And red asked the color blue,
"Why am I so sangiousnious and you so ultramarine?"
And the color blue responded,"Because, without you how would the ocean and sunset know where to meet?"
And the sparrow asked the dove,
"Why do you threaten me?"
And the dove responded,
"Because without fear, we would not know peace."
And the rose asked the thorn,
"Why do I wear you?"
And the thorn responded,
"Because without pain, we would not know beauty."
And the Angel responded,
"Because without tragedy, we would not know joy."
And red asked the color blue,
"Why am I so sangiousnious and you so ultramarine?"
And the color blue responded,"Because, without you how would the ocean and sunset know where to meet?"
And the sparrow asked the dove,
"Why do you threaten me?"
And the dove responded,
"Because without fear, we would not know peace."
And the rose asked the thorn,
"Why do I wear you?"
And the thorn responded,
"Because without pain, we would not know beauty."
O.k. I have to ask....
When is it appropriate to pee in a men's room? I have been 3 times in Laredo doing research for my study. And every time, I have to pee in a men's restroom.
It is gross. It is.....gross. But, All the women's restsrooms are closed for repair.
I squat. I pray my thighs will hold out. I don't even really care that there is paper. ......I think I am going to start carrying some sort of Lysol product.
I inherited my bladder from su madre. Very small........ I stop like every 39 minutes. I've time it.
I went a whole hour and a half without peeing before finding a place for gas and pee and guess what......"oh, women's room, not working," MMMMh Is men's "yes." Then I though I had a place to pee.
I called out. Every man, all 3 of them left and stood at the door. That's coming together. I thanked them and left with a relieved bladder. They kept telling me they were happy to help. Me, I was happy they helped but really happy my tiny bladder was not in danger of exploding.
To the truckers that respesected me...you are more respectful right now by me than most of the citizens of North America are. To women who have VERY small bladders, don't be afraid to use the men's room. Relief......I'm glad to be home. I always knew my mexican friends were helpful. Thank you. My results on my study will not be available until my UTI is under control.
~namaste hb
It is gross. It is.....gross. But, All the women's restsrooms are closed for repair.
I squat. I pray my thighs will hold out. I don't even really care that there is paper. ......I think I am going to start carrying some sort of Lysol product.
I inherited my bladder from su madre. Very small........ I stop like every 39 minutes. I've time it.
I went a whole hour and a half without peeing before finding a place for gas and pee and guess what......"oh, women's room, not working," MMMMh Is men's "yes." Then I though I had a place to pee.
I called out. Every man, all 3 of them left and stood at the door. That's coming together. I thanked them and left with a relieved bladder. They kept telling me they were happy to help. Me, I was happy they helped but really happy my tiny bladder was not in danger of exploding.
To the truckers that respesected me...you are more respectful right now by me than most of the citizens of North America are. To women who have VERY small bladders, don't be afraid to use the men's room. Relief......I'm glad to be home. I always knew my mexican friends were helpful. Thank you. My results on my study will not be available until my UTI is under control.
~namaste hb
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Don't fuck with me
I say this because both my facebook and twitter accounts were compromised recently. I know who did it. Or the two people who conspired to do it. I'm too much of a real human person to give them up. They have backtalked me online for christ's sake; not to my face, not on the phone but online behind an avatar or ID. Such cowards. I will get you everytime.
I live my life. I live the life I write about. Just b/c you don't know about it anymore doesn't mean it isn't the way it is. You don't know shit about me you son-of-a-bitch.
You are worthless, money-hording, bitches. You won't tell your boyfriend you hide money from him, or admit to drinking or being meth addicts, she won't give me the money she owes me. You are pathetic. And you think you have people. Try small town people. They will come to my defense faster than yours will because we are real family, you douchebag.
Sorry, had to rant for a bit.
I'm good now..... SA is in the playoffs. Writing and doing research. Talked in front of a big crowd about glbt rights. Feel good, look good. Everything is good. :);)
~namaste hb
I live my life. I live the life I write about. Just b/c you don't know about it anymore doesn't mean it isn't the way it is. You don't know shit about me you son-of-a-bitch.
You are worthless, money-hording, bitches. You won't tell your boyfriend you hide money from him, or admit to drinking or being meth addicts, she won't give me the money she owes me. You are pathetic. And you think you have people. Try small town people. They will come to my defense faster than yours will because we are real family, you douchebag.
Sorry, had to rant for a bit.
I'm good now..... SA is in the playoffs. Writing and doing research. Talked in front of a big crowd about glbt rights. Feel good, look good. Everything is good. :);)
~namaste hb
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
There is less of me today because she has taken a little bit more of my soul
I woke up this morning to a knock at my door. Groggy and walking unsteady as I had just awoken and had a late night writing, I looked and saw no one. Tempted to just leave a package or whatever at the door I almost went back to bed. But, I didn't. I opened the door to find a single sterling silver rose laid carefully at my door. I ran outside and saw no one. Someone or something was like a ghost in the wind.
Now, no one, except one person on this EARTH knows (well, now maybe more people know) that those are my favorite roses. A TRUE sterling silver rose, not lavender, is rare, expensive and hard to find. Hey, I never said I was a cheap or easy girlfriend. How long did she have to search for it? And, did she drive or have someone else leave it? I hope she had someone else leave it because if she had been outside my door, I would have taken her inside and held her so close she would never have thought of leaving.
Today, would have been our anniversary. A very long anniversary. A day I screwed up for the rest of our lives because of fear. Why I fucked things up, I will never understand. She was the best thing to happen to me.
Oh, my god, it was a long courtship on my part. I saw her, and I knew my life would never be the same. I have never been shy around women I wanted. But her, it was just different. It took me three months, many casual conversations, a bowling game, and a four day weekend to get her to realize #1 I was gay, because no one ever thinks I'm gay, and #2 to realize I was really interested in her.
As I picked up the rose and stroked it across my face because trust me I know what every day leading up to 9/8 is, it started to rain. Now, it hasn't rained here in weeks, no months. I mean it RAINED. And I cried. And I remembered a Hebrew proverb that I was once told, " Let men beware of causing women to weep; God counts their tears." Of course, it wasn't a man but you get the idea.
I miss her everyday. It is so stupid. Everytime I read an article or see a movie, there is some reference to where we lived or where she lives now or what she does or things we liked to do. And, I always catch my breath for a moment. And I try, everyday to forgive and forget what we both did to each other. And usually, I think about it for a few minutes and then move on.
But, today. I can't. Aristole said, ""Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." I guess our great tragedy is that we can't live with each other and we can't live without each other.
I will always miss and love you, my dear clover. Thank you for the beautiful gift. It had no thorns.
Just don't fuck things up. Think about what you are doing before you do it and be right with the choices you make. I have no regrets except one, and you just read about her.
namaste ~ hb
Now, no one, except one person on this EARTH knows (well, now maybe more people know) that those are my favorite roses. A TRUE sterling silver rose, not lavender, is rare, expensive and hard to find. Hey, I never said I was a cheap or easy girlfriend. How long did she have to search for it? And, did she drive or have someone else leave it? I hope she had someone else leave it because if she had been outside my door, I would have taken her inside and held her so close she would never have thought of leaving.
Today, would have been our anniversary. A very long anniversary. A day I screwed up for the rest of our lives because of fear. Why I fucked things up, I will never understand. She was the best thing to happen to me.
Oh, my god, it was a long courtship on my part. I saw her, and I knew my life would never be the same. I have never been shy around women I wanted. But her, it was just different. It took me three months, many casual conversations, a bowling game, and a four day weekend to get her to realize #1 I was gay, because no one ever thinks I'm gay, and #2 to realize I was really interested in her.
As I picked up the rose and stroked it across my face because trust me I know what every day leading up to 9/8 is, it started to rain. Now, it hasn't rained here in weeks, no months. I mean it RAINED. And I cried. And I remembered a Hebrew proverb that I was once told, " Let men beware of causing women to weep; God counts their tears." Of course, it wasn't a man but you get the idea.
I miss her everyday. It is so stupid. Everytime I read an article or see a movie, there is some reference to where we lived or where she lives now or what she does or things we liked to do. And, I always catch my breath for a moment. And I try, everyday to forgive and forget what we both did to each other. And usually, I think about it for a few minutes and then move on.
But, today. I can't. Aristole said, ""Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." I guess our great tragedy is that we can't live with each other and we can't live without each other.
I will always miss and love you, my dear clover. Thank you for the beautiful gift. It had no thorns.
Just don't fuck things up. Think about what you are doing before you do it and be right with the choices you make. I have no regrets except one, and you just read about her.
namaste ~ hb
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Everything in moderation, people...
Those Duggars need to quit popping out babies like a pez dispenser; l love kids but I don't think go forth & multiply meant have an entire village. I think between 4 and 6 is a good number. We can play a good family game of anything with that.
I have 4 nephews , and I would give my life on the Titanic if that meant they could live. NO DOUBT
I love big families. My mom is one of 9 children, one of which was actually PLANNED before my gpa died. I have dozens of cousins and of course my 4 nephews. Again, I LOVE big families. I told my mom I wanted a soccer team full of kids when I was 4. I love bball, but remember, I come from a Catholic family so soccer, vollyball and softball are in my blood. ;) I p/u bball later in junior high and high school.
Then came THE TALK. Holy freakin cow! How was I going to push THAT out of my who-who? I already knew I wasn't into guys at that point. How could that THING go into my who-who and create a child. YUUUUKKKKK. I just couldn't get the concept of that going into that. Cough, cough, yuk, yuk. Just...gross to ME personally.
O.k. kept to sports, kept to school, no problem. I was stuck in my own hell. Wanted to go out but couldn't in my home town because it was small and people talk. If you live or grew up in a small town, ya know what I'm talking about. But, I managed to sneak out, went to different towns....don't shop where you work, word of advice....
After all that bable, let's just say I have a philosophy. Medan Agan- all things in moderation- nothing in excess. 19 kids?! Let's have a little restraint people. Watch a movie. Explore the rhythm method or do a freaking cross word puzzle.! OMG. Don't create an Olympic village. They all can't do tennis, or curling, snowboarding, or hockey.
I guess all you care about is procreation! Jesus, joseph and mary. I dare you, make # 20.
I swear, people like them make me sick. My cousin can't even have one baby. I don't wish ill will to the Duggars, but quit having babies. You've had enough. Let the rest of us have some. And don't say God willed it. That's just ignorant.
Namaste ~hb
I have 4 nephews , and I would give my life on the Titanic if that meant they could live. NO DOUBT
I love big families. My mom is one of 9 children, one of which was actually PLANNED before my gpa died. I have dozens of cousins and of course my 4 nephews. Again, I LOVE big families. I told my mom I wanted a soccer team full of kids when I was 4. I love bball, but remember, I come from a Catholic family so soccer, vollyball and softball are in my blood. ;) I p/u bball later in junior high and high school.
Then came THE TALK. Holy freakin cow! How was I going to push THAT out of my who-who? I already knew I wasn't into guys at that point. How could that THING go into my who-who and create a child. YUUUUKKKKK. I just couldn't get the concept of that going into that. Cough, cough, yuk, yuk. Just...gross to ME personally.
O.k. kept to sports, kept to school, no problem. I was stuck in my own hell. Wanted to go out but couldn't in my home town because it was small and people talk. If you live or grew up in a small town, ya know what I'm talking about. But, I managed to sneak out, went to different towns....don't shop where you work, word of advice....
After all that bable, let's just say I have a philosophy. Medan Agan- all things in moderation- nothing in excess. 19 kids?! Let's have a little restraint people. Watch a movie. Explore the rhythm method or do a freaking cross word puzzle.! OMG. Don't create an Olympic village. They all can't do tennis, or curling, snowboarding, or hockey.
I guess all you care about is procreation! Jesus, joseph and mary. I dare you, make # 20.
I swear, people like them make me sick. My cousin can't even have one baby. I don't wish ill will to the Duggars, but quit having babies. You've had enough. Let the rest of us have some. And don't say God willed it. That's just ignorant.
Namaste ~hb
Friday, August 28, 2009
Can anyone say.. sexism?
Trying to get my car an oil change is like a tourist trying to give a tiger a vitamin pill. Apparently, not going to happen in our lifetime.
I love my car. It is foreign. It is fabulous and ridiculous at the same time. I fawn over it in a not so natural way...*sheepish eyes*, and I clean it as often as I can.
I just wanted an oil change.
My nightmare begins.
My mom, who I drove to visit during one of my weekly runs to go visit everyone and everyone's graves, (it's not morbid to take flowers to someone you love..'nuf said) says take it "here". So I did. "Nope, don't do foreign cars". K, no problem.
Take it back to the "Big city" and am met with Redneck hell once again *shaking my head and laughing at how they are about the get their ass kicked by me.*
"Lady" and this is literally how it went. "yooooouuuuu want your oiiiiilll changed. Gonna cost ya." Yes, I know. Yada, yada, yada. Ultimately, bubba wanted to make an arrangement of sorts. Ah, no thank you.
Really??? I'm just average, truly nothing special to look at.
Kept pushing and pushing until I finally said I like pussy, in my not so average, blunt way. Gay, lesbian, ain't gonna happen, you son-of-a-bitch.
Now things change. Somehow, NOT much to my surprise, prices rise.
In the end, bubba didn't do my oil change. Someone else did and it ended up being the right price. I can take names and kick ass when needed.
Gay/Lesbians. Don't take shit off anyone. We have rights too. Don't be afraid of bubbas or managers or anyone trying to take advantage of you. Stand up. Those of us who don't have "clout" so to speak, just speak your mind. And if you don't find what you are looking for, move on. I was limited b/c of the car I drive, but otherwise, there are many willing to take our business. Just always stand up for us, your rights and every other oppressed person out their. Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
~namaste hb
I love my car. It is foreign. It is fabulous and ridiculous at the same time. I fawn over it in a not so natural way...*sheepish eyes*, and I clean it as often as I can.
I just wanted an oil change.
My nightmare begins.
My mom, who I drove to visit during one of my weekly runs to go visit everyone and everyone's graves, (it's not morbid to take flowers to someone you love..'nuf said) says take it "here". So I did. "Nope, don't do foreign cars". K, no problem.
Take it back to the "Big city" and am met with Redneck hell once again *shaking my head and laughing at how they are about the get their ass kicked by me.*
"Lady" and this is literally how it went. "yooooouuuuu want your oiiiiilll changed. Gonna cost ya." Yes, I know. Yada, yada, yada. Ultimately, bubba wanted to make an arrangement of sorts. Ah, no thank you.
Really??? I'm just average, truly nothing special to look at.
Kept pushing and pushing until I finally said I like pussy, in my not so average, blunt way. Gay, lesbian, ain't gonna happen, you son-of-a-bitch.
Now things change. Somehow, NOT much to my surprise, prices rise.
In the end, bubba didn't do my oil change. Someone else did and it ended up being the right price. I can take names and kick ass when needed.
Gay/Lesbians. Don't take shit off anyone. We have rights too. Don't be afraid of bubbas or managers or anyone trying to take advantage of you. Stand up. Those of us who don't have "clout" so to speak, just speak your mind. And if you don't find what you are looking for, move on. I was limited b/c of the car I drive, but otherwise, there are many willing to take our business. Just always stand up for us, your rights and every other oppressed person out their. Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter. ~ Martin Luther King, Jr.
~namaste hb
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Oh, Brother....
Do you have brothers? I have two. Both older. They think they know EVERYTHING. HA. One is a bonafide freak and the other is a know-it-all freak. Nothing doing. No offense, but their knowledge about life doesn't suspercede mine in ANY way, and they know it, just that simple. I've had more life experiences than they can count. Matter of fact.... not me being obnoxious.
As long as I can remember, Me, myself, and I have been the person to go to in the family. Even when things got tough with my mom and dad during cancer (rest his soul) me taking him to treatments, watching the drugs drop and inch through a tube into his vein, which I knew wouldn't work, but I kept a smile on my face and feed him ice chips. Even while I watched from the back of church as my family said mass on his behalf while his hospice nurse watched him like an infant, which horrified me. Even holding his head while he puked and he commented that he never thought he would see his kids hold his head while he puked, both my older brothers called me. "Blahh, blahh, mom did this, dad said this..." I inherited my mom's diplomatic soul to a certain degree, but with a little bit of sass, o.k a lot of sass (from my dad, but with temperment) to go along with it. I listen, agree or disagree, offered and still do my opinion when appropriate. I soooooo wonder why, as the baby of the family, why I have to be the hook?
Both brothers have problems that I have been dealing with ALL my life. From the time I was in kinder, I remember being told my brothers were special and needed help. I was freaking 4/5?.... What the hell/fuck else am I suppose to do but help? I had problems too. Hey, can anyone say, growing up in a small town, knowing I was a lesbian but didn't know how to handle it?????......Ugggg. I'm not angry, just frustrated. BTW, anger and frustration are two different things.
My mom drove down to my brother's ranch today to visit and take him some stuff. Called me and asked if I wanted to go. No thank you. Just worn out. I just told her I was too tired.
I'm too tired. I'm tired of being the one they all come too. I'm tired of being the hook for the family. Is that bad????? I have a double kindney infection and have practically lost my voice from trying to take care of everyone else. I love my family and trust me, they are family poor, meaning it's me or nobody (everyone else has died from either breast or colon cancer or just died). I quit corporate America for many reasons the most of which is really my family. I love them. I have some savings. I can live poor. I don't care. It isn't about money. My family means more to me than most could ever realize. I write, take care of my nephews, brother, his wife and especially my mom. It is hard. But, daily, laugh or cry, I'm with family, my best friends, nephews...everyone that I can burn in my memory for the rest of my life. I will have those memories until the day I die.
But, it is hard. As tough as I am (and realize, I'm as fucking tough as they come, soul and body) I read some poetry, write, exericise, cook, punch some bags as hard as I can and sometimes just cry. I HATE to cry. Then, I just get over it.
I wish I had something more prolific to say but that's it. I have two older brothers that I cherish who think they are know- it- alls because they are older.
I guess my rant is that just because someone is older doesn't mean they know more. It just means they have been alive longer so they can be more annoying. :) Not to say that anyone alive longer is automatically more annoying....just that sometimes, the older, take the younger for granted and young people take the older for granted.
Young people, patiently listen to your elders. They have experience too. Listen to what they have to say and absorb it. Let it wash over you in glorious revelation. Take it for what it is worth. Store it for later when you are willing to accept it. Don't dimsiss it, ever. Elders, listen to what someone younger has to say. Maybe you will learn something. It won't hurt to listen.
Just an observation. We were all put on this earth to learn from each other. I know this in my heart. Learn from one another. :_
Nameste ~ hb
As long as I can remember, Me, myself, and I have been the person to go to in the family. Even when things got tough with my mom and dad during cancer (rest his soul) me taking him to treatments, watching the drugs drop and inch through a tube into his vein, which I knew wouldn't work, but I kept a smile on my face and feed him ice chips. Even while I watched from the back of church as my family said mass on his behalf while his hospice nurse watched him like an infant, which horrified me. Even holding his head while he puked and he commented that he never thought he would see his kids hold his head while he puked, both my older brothers called me. "Blahh, blahh, mom did this, dad said this..." I inherited my mom's diplomatic soul to a certain degree, but with a little bit of sass, o.k a lot of sass (from my dad, but with temperment) to go along with it. I listen, agree or disagree, offered and still do my opinion when appropriate. I soooooo wonder why, as the baby of the family, why I have to be the hook?
Both brothers have problems that I have been dealing with ALL my life. From the time I was in kinder, I remember being told my brothers were special and needed help. I was freaking 4/5?.... What the hell/fuck else am I suppose to do but help? I had problems too. Hey, can anyone say, growing up in a small town, knowing I was a lesbian but didn't know how to handle it?????......Ugggg. I'm not angry, just frustrated. BTW, anger and frustration are two different things.
My mom drove down to my brother's ranch today to visit and take him some stuff. Called me and asked if I wanted to go. No thank you. Just worn out. I just told her I was too tired.
I'm too tired. I'm tired of being the one they all come too. I'm tired of being the hook for the family. Is that bad????? I have a double kindney infection and have practically lost my voice from trying to take care of everyone else. I love my family and trust me, they are family poor, meaning it's me or nobody (everyone else has died from either breast or colon cancer or just died). I quit corporate America for many reasons the most of which is really my family. I love them. I have some savings. I can live poor. I don't care. It isn't about money. My family means more to me than most could ever realize. I write, take care of my nephews, brother, his wife and especially my mom. It is hard. But, daily, laugh or cry, I'm with family, my best friends, nephews...everyone that I can burn in my memory for the rest of my life. I will have those memories until the day I die.
But, it is hard. As tough as I am (and realize, I'm as fucking tough as they come, soul and body) I read some poetry, write, exericise, cook, punch some bags as hard as I can and sometimes just cry. I HATE to cry. Then, I just get over it.
I wish I had something more prolific to say but that's it. I have two older brothers that I cherish who think they are know- it- alls because they are older.
I guess my rant is that just because someone is older doesn't mean they know more. It just means they have been alive longer so they can be more annoying. :) Not to say that anyone alive longer is automatically more annoying....just that sometimes, the older, take the younger for granted and young people take the older for granted.
Young people, patiently listen to your elders. They have experience too. Listen to what they have to say and absorb it. Let it wash over you in glorious revelation. Take it for what it is worth. Store it for later when you are willing to accept it. Don't dimsiss it, ever. Elders, listen to what someone younger has to say. Maybe you will learn something. It won't hurt to listen.
Just an observation. We were all put on this earth to learn from each other. I know this in my heart. Learn from one another. :_
Nameste ~ hb
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Rule #1
K.
Rule #Uno, 1, Jed (hey, I'm a mutt of background's and Polish is one of them also Czech, Dutch, Cherokee (check out my cheekbones if you doubt ;)) , German,...the list goes on and on).
Rule number one in Hilary's lesbian handbook is....Never date or go after the straight girl. Admire them, comment on how HOTT they are (can anyone say Erin Phillips...yummy!) , but never ever go after them in a serious attempt to be in a relationship. If they are truly gay, they will realize it in their own time and come out. Simple. Don't push, shove, nudge or suggest.
This might seem obvious. You're gay, she's straight - what's to figure out? But, both straight and gay women seem to have a fascination with each other. One wants to know what it's like to be with a women, the other wants to show the other how life is much more improved by being with a woman. It is quite literally insane on everyone's part.
I myself have never gone after the straight girl (learned from years of experience). Yeah, I've danced with her at clubs-fun, been offered the room key- tempting, flirted with her to get a Dirty Grey Goose Martini : three olives thank you, - am I bad?, but I never slept with them. I'm GREAT at deflecting. However comma many of my lesbian friends tried to be with straight women with disastrous results. I have never seen any good come from it. You THINK you've seen lesbian drama? Try experiencing it with a straight girl. I can't count on my fingers, toes and black eyes how many times I've had to break up the straight/lesbian fight. Those straight girls can throw a punch...in the wrong direction of course.
Bottom line, just don't give in. I knooooowwwww, you think she's the love of your life. But, she's straight, you are gay. Don't fight it. This is not "The Notebook", ---it is real life. We work, take out the trash, do laundry just the same. Just not WITH STRAIGHT GIRLS. We all have gaydar. We know who is and isn't. Don't be ridiculous. Admire, don't aquire. :)
Btw, I now have a trademark on the whole "admire, don't aquire" thing, so, don't even try to steal it. :)
~Namaste hb
Rule #Uno, 1, Jed (hey, I'm a mutt of background's and Polish is one of them also Czech, Dutch, Cherokee (check out my cheekbones if you doubt ;)) , German,...the list goes on and on).
Rule number one in Hilary's lesbian handbook is....Never date or go after the straight girl. Admire them, comment on how HOTT they are (can anyone say Erin Phillips...yummy!) , but never ever go after them in a serious attempt to be in a relationship. If they are truly gay, they will realize it in their own time and come out. Simple. Don't push, shove, nudge or suggest.
This might seem obvious. You're gay, she's straight - what's to figure out? But, both straight and gay women seem to have a fascination with each other. One wants to know what it's like to be with a women, the other wants to show the other how life is much more improved by being with a woman. It is quite literally insane on everyone's part.
I myself have never gone after the straight girl (learned from years of experience). Yeah, I've danced with her at clubs-fun, been offered the room key- tempting, flirted with her to get a Dirty Grey Goose Martini : three olives thank you, - am I bad?, but I never slept with them. I'm GREAT at deflecting. However comma many of my lesbian friends tried to be with straight women with disastrous results. I have never seen any good come from it. You THINK you've seen lesbian drama? Try experiencing it with a straight girl. I can't count on my fingers, toes and black eyes how many times I've had to break up the straight/lesbian fight. Those straight girls can throw a punch...in the wrong direction of course.
Bottom line, just don't give in. I knooooowwwww, you think she's the love of your life. But, she's straight, you are gay. Don't fight it. This is not "The Notebook", ---it is real life. We work, take out the trash, do laundry just the same. Just not WITH STRAIGHT GIRLS. We all have gaydar. We know who is and isn't. Don't be ridiculous. Admire, don't aquire. :)
Btw, I now have a trademark on the whole "admire, don't aquire" thing, so, don't even try to steal it. :)
~Namaste hb
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Why?
I've been doing research for a few months on gay rates of depression and suicide. My very good friend Janice's *names have been changed on request of the family* sister, Tessa was a lesbian and committed suicide. We went to school together. I knew her. I knew she was gay. I never approached her about it. I should have. She killed herself with a shotgun. I should have talked to her. I feel like I could have prevented EVERYTHING that happened to this family.
Her sister, a very good friend of mine, at my request sent me her final suicide note. I couldn't even get through half of it. Why do so many gays/lesbians feel their lives are hopeless and worthless? She felt she couldn't have a family, a house...a LIFE. That is ridiculous. We love who we love. No one, not even anyone's God will judge us for that. I used to get kicked out of Catholic studies because I just suggested that God made us all different to see if we had the hutzpaa (sp?) to get along. My parents were exasperated but even as as child I knew I had a different path. Not a bad one, just different.
You are who you are. What do they say, "God doesn't make mistakes." I'm not a religious person per se, but I am spiritual. I belive the energy, the Universe made us who we are. Yeats said, " and it seemed that our two natures blent into a sphere from youthful sympathy". I belive we are split in two, and we search our whole lives searching for our second half. We think we have found it, then found out we haven't. And we keep searching. Even when we have found it, we might have changed and it doesn't fit, even when we so desperately want it to. What to do?
Adapt. Isn't that what life is about. Life, death, birth, change jobs.... isn't that what happens. Maybe it's all about how we adapt to change. We laugh, cry, get angry, get happy. We all adapt, despite if we think we are rebels, we all adapt.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to go visit and put flowers on gravesites for people who either I loved or people I loved, loved. I will fight the good fight to keep them out of the ground, even if it means I will be in the ground at the end. That's how much it means to me. How much does your gay relative mean to you?
Foucault said "We are all accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves." Don't be disguised to yourself in anyway. It just ruins you in the end. Be who you are, love who you love and never be ashamed.
Peace. ~hb
Her sister, a very good friend of mine, at my request sent me her final suicide note. I couldn't even get through half of it. Why do so many gays/lesbians feel their lives are hopeless and worthless? She felt she couldn't have a family, a house...a LIFE. That is ridiculous. We love who we love. No one, not even anyone's God will judge us for that. I used to get kicked out of Catholic studies because I just suggested that God made us all different to see if we had the hutzpaa (sp?) to get along. My parents were exasperated but even as as child I knew I had a different path. Not a bad one, just different.
You are who you are. What do they say, "God doesn't make mistakes." I'm not a religious person per se, but I am spiritual. I belive the energy, the Universe made us who we are. Yeats said, " and it seemed that our two natures blent into a sphere from youthful sympathy". I belive we are split in two, and we search our whole lives searching for our second half. We think we have found it, then found out we haven't. And we keep searching. Even when we have found it, we might have changed and it doesn't fit, even when we so desperately want it to. What to do?
Adapt. Isn't that what life is about. Life, death, birth, change jobs.... isn't that what happens. Maybe it's all about how we adapt to change. We laugh, cry, get angry, get happy. We all adapt, despite if we think we are rebels, we all adapt.
I'm tired. I'm tired of having to go visit and put flowers on gravesites for people who either I loved or people I loved, loved. I will fight the good fight to keep them out of the ground, even if it means I will be in the ground at the end. That's how much it means to me. How much does your gay relative mean to you?
Foucault said "We are all accustomed to disguise ourselves to others, that in the end, we become disguised to ourselves." Don't be disguised to yourself in anyway. It just ruins you in the end. Be who you are, love who you love and never be ashamed.
Peace. ~hb
Monday, August 24, 2009
We have become an online gaming nation, rather than an online thinking nation
It is my opinion that we have become an online gaming nation rather than an online thinking nation. I logged onto my Facebook account last night after what was a blissful retreat FROM Facebook and was bombarded by a dizzing array of "I beat this in Bejeweled Blitz" or "I need Farkle chips", (BTW, what is a Farkle and why does it have a chip?)
All of my friends, new and old, are into several games. Yes, I play Vampire Wars, but I log in once a day, kick some ass and don't ask my friends for help. Takes 20 minutes edge off of my day. Enough to satisfy my "blood lust" ;) . I had 20 request for Mafia Wars cell phones and other evidently mafia related things, more for Vamp Wars, Farkle chips, Texas Hold 'Em chips(which I can actually play very well in "real" life, thank you. And, I play a mean game of regular ol' Poker thanks to my Dad and a 4 day stint in Vegas, You're money, BABY!.) I have to admit (god help me), me and my ex did buy my nephews a WIii last Christmas but they play it all the time and exercise with it, which is cool. Their mom is the best with pushing the sports and exercise.
I was flabbergasted by the amount of gaming going on. I respect gamers. It really is a skill, if it is your JOB. Otherwise, get a job. Make some friends. Go out, shower and dress in a sort of cool, respectful manner, not in that order necessarily?! I have a gaming system and play it sometimes (yummy Laura Croft, what I can't be old school?,) but I also READ. I have two bookshevles full of classics, old and new, that I read part of every day. Read Neitzsche, or the Bible if that is more to your fancy. Watch some NEWS or ESPN on the actual T.V. I write, I blog. I exercise. I cook. I participate in society. But, if your intention is to only get home so you can log on to a gaming site, you need to reevaluate things and either spend more time with your family, listen to some music, read some classics or just chill. Watch some WNBA, 'cuz you know they are one of my favorites.
Lay off the computer gaming for a few days. You'll feel much better about yourself. Boredom isn't an excuse. Get up off your butt and do something else. Anyone who knows me knows I will read anything, a menu, a number on a bathroom stall, I will edit it, correct it and not feel bad about it, so I advocate reading of all things, however, do ANYTHING but spend a few minutes a day online "gaming" and don't forget how to participate in real life. It seems to be a dying art. Remember how to talk to people, don't just grunt at them. Ugg. Gross, belligerent and just bad manners. Half-calf, decaf, non-fat Latte doesn't cut it. TALK to people. Look them in the eye.
And unless you are Twittering, don't shorthand....it is the death of language, which is precious, and besides, it's annoying.
Namaste :) HB
All of my friends, new and old, are into several games. Yes, I play Vampire Wars, but I log in once a day, kick some ass and don't ask my friends for help. Takes 20 minutes edge off of my day. Enough to satisfy my "blood lust" ;) . I had 20 request for Mafia Wars cell phones and other evidently mafia related things, more for Vamp Wars, Farkle chips, Texas Hold 'Em chips(which I can actually play very well in "real" life, thank you. And, I play a mean game of regular ol' Poker thanks to my Dad and a 4 day stint in Vegas, You're money, BABY!.) I have to admit (god help me), me and my ex did buy my nephews a WIii last Christmas but they play it all the time and exercise with it, which is cool. Their mom is the best with pushing the sports and exercise.
I was flabbergasted by the amount of gaming going on. I respect gamers. It really is a skill, if it is your JOB. Otherwise, get a job. Make some friends. Go out, shower and dress in a sort of cool, respectful manner, not in that order necessarily?! I have a gaming system and play it sometimes (yummy Laura Croft, what I can't be old school?,) but I also READ. I have two bookshevles full of classics, old and new, that I read part of every day. Read Neitzsche, or the Bible if that is more to your fancy. Watch some NEWS or ESPN on the actual T.V. I write, I blog. I exercise. I cook. I participate in society. But, if your intention is to only get home so you can log on to a gaming site, you need to reevaluate things and either spend more time with your family, listen to some music, read some classics or just chill. Watch some WNBA, 'cuz you know they are one of my favorites.
Lay off the computer gaming for a few days. You'll feel much better about yourself. Boredom isn't an excuse. Get up off your butt and do something else. Anyone who knows me knows I will read anything, a menu, a number on a bathroom stall, I will edit it, correct it and not feel bad about it, so I advocate reading of all things, however, do ANYTHING but spend a few minutes a day online "gaming" and don't forget how to participate in real life. It seems to be a dying art. Remember how to talk to people, don't just grunt at them. Ugg. Gross, belligerent and just bad manners. Half-calf, decaf, non-fat Latte doesn't cut it. TALK to people. Look them in the eye.
And unless you are Twittering, don't shorthand....it is the death of language, which is precious, and besides, it's annoying.
Namaste :) HB
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